Blind Reviews

The irony of working in the film industry is that you get very little time or money to actually watch movies at the cinema. This means there are huge gaps in my viewing of recent films.

Luckily, I make strong judgements of films way before I even see them. Here are just a few films I haven't seen, but I have taken an educated guess at their general messages/morals...

Da Artist

You might think that all that can be said about The Artist has already been said. And you'd probably be right. But being the stubborn fool that I am, I wish to throw in my 2 cents into the overcrowded pit of change regardless.

The Artist is not a movie. Not in the conventional sense of the word anyway. It would be better described as an 'Art Form Time Machine' - although, I'm not sure if this description would sell many tickets. Transporting viewers back to a simpler time, when cinema was more about the visual delights of swashbuckling heroes and backflipping dogs, rather than the sensory assaults of a Michael Bay film. This makes it quite unlike anything I've seen in recent years, and therefore worthy of it's unprecedented critical attention.

 The dog from Beginners and the dog from The Artist: I'm not sure which one I want to kidnap more.

Being 100 minutes in length, The Artist requires its viewers to suspend their normal requirements for a cinematic experience. Even the most snobbish of cinefiles might feel a little nervous about the idea of a contemporary (virtually) silent movie. But this film beautifully reminds us that most modern movies are so consumed by their own idea of 'spectacle', that often the heart of the film is neglected. This is where The Artist shines. A poetically uncynical romance story is laid out in front of the audience, with barely any diversions on the main plot line.

It's theme of embracing both the old and the new is magnificently portrayed in both the mise-en-scene and narrative, culminating into a faultless piece of cinema. Go see it and try not smiling like a goon.

Men Who Hate Women

Considering The Social Network was my favourite film of last year, and that this film had possibly one of the best trailers ever made, my anticipation for David Fincher's The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was somewhat... high.

Before you can comprehend the film has even started, Fincher rams into 5th gear with an intro that would put some of the best James Bond opening credits to shame. What follows is a highly stylised, highly cool (if slightly unnecessary) remake of Niels Arden Oplev's 2009 Swedish original.

Visually, the film has more in common with Fincher's latest efforts than the days of Seven and Fight Club. Dialogue is snappy, editing is lightning fast, and every shot could be considered as a piece of art (this film is just screaming for Blu-Ray). The film doesn't hold any punches with the original source material either; as Fincher delicately put it when commenting on the possibility of an Oscar: "there's too much anal rape in this movie”. All these factors mean there is plenty that are improved upon the 'made-for-TV' original.

There has been some critical concern about whether Rooney Mara can live up to Noomi Rapace's fantastic interpretation of the 'fiery' Lisbeth Salander. I can safely assure you that she is every bit as fearsome, vulnerable, and downright badass as her predecessor. Younger in age and lighter in frame, Mara carries a certain fragility that was missing in the Swedish version - making the 2nd act of the US version a lot more shocking.

However, as much fun as the film is, it does feel like a step backwards for Fincher. Not quite a shot-for-shot remake (à la Gus Van Sant's misconceived Psycho update), but there is simply not enough to make it stand out in it's own right. Even some of the composition of locations/characters looks exactly the same - which begs the question: did this really need a remake? And don't even get me started on Daniel Craig's accent (or lack of one).

Sick of Christmas films? This is the perfect antidote. Just don't expect another The Social Network.

Films that are ruined by their own genre

Whilst recently watching the first half of Mark and Jay Duplass’ 2008 film Baghead, I became completely enamoured with its cast of characters and the intricate love-quadrilateral between them. However, I knew this wouldn’t last forever. In a lazy attempt to branch out into a different genre, the Duplass brothers decided that this would be a horror movie. Consequently the second half of the movie is ruined by a murderous figure running around with a bag over his head. Whilst I love the horror genre, if it is not handled with great care (see The Shining), it can descend into meaningless wobbly camera shots and high pitched screaming (see Blair Witch 2).

This got me thinking about other films that could do without their own genre...

Monsters

Let’s face it. Monsters wasn’t a critical success because of it’s (admittedly impressive homemade) alien SFX. What made Monsters so great was the undeniable chemistry between its 2 leads – Scoot McNairy & Whitney Able - who are, unsurprisingly, a couple in real life. So when the aliens do start blowing shit up, it’s actually a distraction from the story’s main hook – the will they, won’t they dynamic. Don’t believe me? Just watch the last 30 seconds of the film.

Attack the Block

What starts off as a rather unique urban dramedy, quickly descends into a messy exercise of cheap CGI tomfoolery. The only reason Joe Cornish’s Attack the Block comes away with any redeeming features is its cast of unlikely heroes. But given there’s an imminent alien invasion, we get very little time to actually learn about the characters – making them the two dimensional cut outs they always had the potential of being. Hopefully Cornish will stick to one subgenre in his next feature.

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

Don’t get me wrong, I adore Edgar Wright’s unashamed love letter to the slacker generation. But I can’t deny that there’s a part of me that wishes the film didn’t include the 'evil exes'. “Say what!?” I hear you say. But seriously, the story doesn’t need it. Scott Pilgrim already has a pretty interesting life: 2 hot girls on the go, a band on the verge of stardom, and an army of hipster friends. Does he really need to fight 7 evil exes as well, just to make the story interesting enough!? I think not.

For the sequel, how about: Scott Prilgrim Vs. Normal Existence? Catchy, I think you'll agree.

Gimme Shelter

Cutis has a good life. According to his best friend Dewart anyway. What he doesn't know, however, is that Curtis has been having recurring nightmares about a coming Apocalypse. For the sake of his wife and deaf daughter, Curtis tries to keep the dreams under wraps. But when he starts building an underground storm bunker in the backyard, people begin to ask questions about his sanity.

Regardless of what the ending may or may not be, Take Shelter is a film about mental health. 90% of Curtis' conflict comes from within, bubbling away under the surface (with much credit due to Michael Shannon's performance). His character doesn't revel in being a visionary vessel, and is in fact ashamed of his gift - torn between being a good father/husband and preparing for apocalyptic doom.

With Curtis' mother having given in to mental health problems at a similar age, he seems convinced that his problems are mental, but still cannot deny what he sees. This deals with a really interesting question: Is self-awareness really enough to snap out of psychosis? Throughout the film, Curtis walks a lonely tight rope of sheer belief and self doubt.

It's a shame then that Shannon's performance isn't given a script with more conviction. The film does a great job of holding our sympathy with Curtis, even when he is seemingly throwing his life away. But the last 20 minutes makes a huge compromise on its premise - delivering mixed messages about what we've just seen over the last two hours.

Despite this, Take Shelter still provides a powerful lead performance and some fantastic visual elements, making it a no brainer for rental.

10,000 Views!

To celebrate here is the best Matt Berry GIF ever made:

Just a suggestion

With its one year anniversary rapidly approaching, I have a great idea for Fox Searchlight to help promote the re-release of Danny Boyle's magnificent film, 127 Hours.

I call it The 127 Hours Experience...

Cinemagoers will have their right arm strategically placed between the cup holder and seat, thus becoming trapped for the entire duration of the film (94 minutes). They will have access to approximately 350 ml of water (the same amount Aaron Ralston had), and a variety of other gadgets and gizmos to help free themselves from their seat.

An artist's impression.

After the showing the participants are given a fake, bloody hand for their troubles.

Classy, I think you'll agree.

The Internship Diet

As some of you may or may not know, I have recently taken up an internship at the independent film distributor Soda Pictures (views here are of my own yada yada yada). Whilst being an excellent use of my time (and also a great way to piss off the parents), it has also given me an awesome, albeit unintentional, weight loss programme. Just follow these simple steps:

Step 1

Give up your well-paid, stable job and move to the unforgiving city of Londonian to pursue your unrealistic dreams. Ideally you’ll have an older, more successful sibling to put you up for a couple of months or so. That’s what they’re there for!

Step 2

Avoid any sort of public transport, even if you have to run to work. The tube is a rip-off and smells.

Step 3 – Breakfast

Tesco Wheat Biscuits. Not sure what the difference is between Weetabix and Tescos Own Brand – but honestly, how do you fuck up bonded wheat!? And double your amount of breakfasts by only having one a day!

Step 4 – Lunch

No money = less food. Simples! Tesco £2.50 meal deals should sort you out with just enough calories to reach the end of the day without collapsing from exhaustion.

Step 5 – Dinner

Reheat. Reheat. Reheat. Even until the bastard looks unrecognisable from its original conception 4 days prior.

Add marathon training on top of that and you’re well on your way to super model stardom/an eating disorder!

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Much like the book of the same name, Lynne Ramsay's We Need to Talk About Kevin is a slow burner. Filled with repulsive (but effective) imagery of stale food and red stained houses, WNTTAK takes it's time before tackling the real meat of its story: How does a 15 year old boy commit mass murder?

In fact, Kevin doesn't even utter a single word until 30 minutes into the running time. The film, instead, focuses on the mother, Eva - played perfectly by a disconnected Tilda Swinton. Shifting from present day, where Eva lives a sheltered and nightmarish existence, to chronological flashbacks of Kevin's upbringing. Disorientating at first, the film finally finds a suitable rhythm with which to tell the story - making the inadaptable nature of the book seem all the more impressive when watching the film.

The beautiful thing about WNTTAK is its ability to be its own beast. The depth and slow brooding nature of the book are imaginatively recreated on screen via Ramsay's uncanny eye for the sinister. Innocuous actions, like Kevin making a strawberry jam sandwich, are turned into painfully creepy insights into the mind of a sociopath. This is helped immensely by a mesmerizing performance by Ezra Miller, who turns Kevin into the Hannibal Lecter of a new generation.

As for enjoyment, the 112 minute running time will feel like 5 hours of intensive hard labour. But for sheer psychoanalytical depth and breath-taking cinematography, WNTTAK cannot be beat.

Too old for this shit

Just like Courtney Cox's face, Scream 4 is fooling no one. A once great franchise has been brought back from the dead, only to be fucked up once again.

Scream 4 starts out surprisingly well. A few cheeky misdirections in the first 5 minutes give it the same unpredictable feel of the original. This soon, however, descends into tedious observations about Hollywood's recent trend in rebooting old franchises. And the fact that Scream 4 even takes the time to point out the flaws in rebooting old horror films, makes it even more inexcusable when it makes the same mistakes.

It's like a child shitting on the carpet, then having the child calmly explain to you why shitting on the carpet is wrong.

Yes, all the old cast and crew are back (Campbell, Arquette, Cox, Craven, Williamson), but their once youthful talents appear tired. Desperate, even. Williamson's script, in particular, crams in as many web 2.0 buzz words as physically possible (drink a shot everytime someone says the word 'blog', I dare ya). But worst of all, the films have become the very thing it has been trying to satirise all these years - there is absolutely nothing separating the Scream franchise from it's own fictitious OTT 'Stab' franchise. For example, instead of screaming for help or doing anything remotely 'human', characters will spout witty one-liners just before they meet their inevitable and bloody doom.

It appears that all of Scream's charm and wit died with Randy in the second installment.

If there's going to be a backlash on the whole meta craze, it begins with Scream 4.

The 3 worst slanty angle offenders

What's the most heinous cinematic crimes? Needless B-list celebrity cameos? Plot twists involving time travel? Adam Sandler? Close, but it's actually slanty angled scenes. A desperate and cheap way of creating 'drama', the most primitive of camera techniques is somehow still in existence today, and is even used by some of Hollywood's most prolific directors. Let's name and shame.

1. Carol Reed - The Third Man
I guess we can forgive Carol as he used slanted angles before it became a horrible cliché (and even used it to great effect). But he has a lot to answer for...

2. J. J. Abrams - Star Trek
Abrams, however, is less forgivable. Why did this scene need a sweeping corkscrew shot? It's a Vulcan courtroom, not a rollercoaster, 'J' (if that is your real name).

3. Michael Bay - Everything
I spotted about 5 examples in the Transformers 2 trailer alone. When Judgement Day arrives, Michael will be first to feel the firey wrath of the Cinema Gods.

One good reason to see Dolphin Tale

EVERYONE loves a good splash joke.

Vucking

If you've seen Nicolas Winding Refn on BBC Breakfast describe violence like 'fucking' (see here), you might think that this was a rather gratuitous use of the word from a seemingly unapologetic European director. But once you see Drive, there really is no better way to describe the instantaneous nature of violent outbursts depicted in his latest movie.

Ryan Gosling (some dude from The Notebook) stars in this highly stylised heist movie, about a good intentioned stunt driver who gets mixed up in doomed robbery. In order to protect the ones he cares about - a single mum (played by the ever-so-sweet Carey Mulligan) and her child - he must go after the ones responsible. The mild mannered driver is consequently thrown into a world of brutality and questionable loyalties.

He drives... apparently.

Ironically, Drive does not feature any fucking or sexualised elements, and instead focuses on Gosling and Mulligan's softly spoken words of affection. And whilst its use of violence verges on the pornographic, it never stops being conscious of what it's trying to demonstrate - the monstrous capabilities of the desperate. The (unnamed) Driver is simply a man with his back against the wall, and is therefore at liberty to do anything. So violence that might be considered quite tame in a normal gangster movie (Scarface, Godfather etc. etc.) is earth shatteringly shocking in Drive because of its unassuming protagonist.

Of course, a lot of reviews have been focusing on the use of 80s chic in the movie (the awesome music and Miami Vice-like opening credits), which is cool but gimmicky. Despite the LA setting and the occasional homage to car chase movies of the 80s, there really is no need to give Drive this faux-identity.

But Refn has undoubtedly created something quite unique from an extremely tired genre, which is no mean feat nowadays. Bravo.

Howl - Blu-Ray Review

I've never seen so many hipsters in one movie.

7/10

Competition Time!

I've sweded myself into my 5 favourite movies of all time. To be in with a chance of winning a piece of tat from my very own personal DVD collection, simply email rclt201@gmail.com with the names of the films. Good luck 'n' that.





Thanks to everyone who entered! And congrats to Oliver McPhee (the sly dog) who won a brand new copy of Taken on DVD!

One Day: not as good as the book

Fact: they removed Emma's glasses from the marketing materials. Fascists.

It seems a given these days that directors will struggle to make worthy adaptations of well-loved books on the big screen (unless your name is Peter Jackson, of course). Sometimes this due to the miscasting of lead characters, or re-writes of the screenplay, but in One Day's case it is down to the format of the book itself. Having a chapter devoted to each passing year of a 20 year story works great on the page, but just feels rushed on screen.

There are other missteps as well. Hathaway is miscast (although she tries valiantly to make it work) and key plot points are missing. But these are nitpicking in comparison to the scene by scene, year by year structure of the film. Whilst the book could use throwaway lines to subtly hint the future of our 2 protagonists, the film has to use every single line of dialogue as a means to drive the plot forward. This is due to the time restrictions of the film -107 mins (and to be fair, if it were any longer, I probably would have tried to choke myself with my own popcorn).

This means the complexities of the book (loneliness, infidelity, love) are boiled down to simplistic issues that can be found in most so-so rom-coms. Even the characters become cartoonish caricatures of themselves in order to keep up with the breakneck pace of the movie.

However, Lone Scherfig (An Education) does inject some genuine affection into the film, and Jim Sturgess makes for a good Dexter. So whilst it's not a complete disaster, the fantastic source material has been slightly wasted on an average film adaptation. Fingers crossed Richard Linklater will remake it into a HBO series.

I have a life... honest

Whereas most people on a Friday night would go out, get drunk, and kiss each other's face off, I spent the evening compiling my favourite 'bad British accents' from movies. This was inspired after watching the trailer for One Day and hearing Anne Hathaway's attempt at a Yorkshire accent (just listen to the way she says 'top', it's quite incredible).

Anyway, I'm gonna go out tomorrow and have fun. I swear.

Where I compare The Inbetweeners Movie to my own miserabe experiences

My best mate Jamie shows off his new Simpsons towel in our Ayia Napa holiday apartment. "Almost lost his shorts in the Rip Tide, Man!" Bart exclaims, on this shoddy piece of rip-off merchandising. And this towel would only lead the way for one of the most nauseating and deafening 2 weeks of my life, way back in 2005.

So, as much as I love The Inbetweeners, I was also slightly dreading the inevitable comparisons the movie would make with my own 'lads holiday'. Nevertheless, I had high hopes that this would be the sign off that Will, Jay, Simon, and Neil deserved. And it certainly doesn't disappoint.

The director's brief: 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it'

Apart from some flashy camera movements (most noticeably on the club strip), there is nothing distinguishing about the style of filmmaking. Which begs the question: why a movie? Why not a TV special? Mike Skinner apparently composed the original score, but there is absolutely nothing here to indicate a substantial budget or unlimited resources. Instead, the magic is purely what we have on screen: the undisputed chemistry between the 4 lads, and their pitiful attempts at attracting the attention of the opposite sex. This is where The Inbetweeners Movie shines: observational comedy at it's best. From the awkward unison dancing, to the awful 'morning afters', nothing has captured the modern youth of Britain so succinctly as The Inbetweeners.

This is obviously all great news for us fans, but it's unlikely to convert non-believers. There's nothing here that we haven't seen before in previous episodes (except Jay's cock perhaps). Even some of the new characters, especially the girls, are carbon copies of characters in the original series. And given this was the final outing for the likely lads, I was expecting more of a sentimental tone to the proceedings. But what do you expect from a movie that features 4 teenage boys trying to clean a turd out of a bidet?

So if you find the word 'gash' or 'bender' amusing, this will undoubtedly be the quickest 97 minutes you will spend all summer. However, those who are easily offended need not apply.

How to quit your job… according to the movies

As the economic situation becomes an ever worsening nightmare of epic proportions, I thought it would be a good time to quit my steady well-paid job, and pursue my dream of working in the film industry. There’s no point reasoning with me, I am an idiot.

However, my rather underwhelming resignation only reminded of how films misrepresent quitting your job as some sort of manic display of contempt for everything their employer’s stand for. Here’s how the movies expects you to burn your bridges...

Insult your boss



From: American Beauty (1999)

Let’s face it, who hasn’t wanted to call their boss a ‘bongo-head’ and play their head like a drum at some point or another? Never has it been bettered than Lester Burnham’s speech in American Beauty: “My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge.” Risky? Yes. Bold? Yes. Realistic? Probably not.

Flip out



From: Jerry McGuire (1996)

Reminiscent to Arnold J Rimmer’s ‘I am a fish’ routine from Red Dwarf, Tom Cruise shows us the dignity in being fired. This scene is a personal favourite of mine because I could totally see Tom Cruise doing this in real life.

Tell everyone to go f*** themselves



From: Half Baked (1998)

Succinct and to the point. Just don’t expect a good reference.

Beat yourself up


From: Fight Club (1999)

Not the most conventional of quitting routines, but it certainly leaves an impact on the previous employer. And hey, you might even succeed in your little blackmailing ploy!

"They should have sent a poet."

Can I be a pretentious knob for a moment? Thanks.

Having watched The Tree of Life over a week ago, I still find myself pondering over the many intricate details of the movie.

How did Malick recreate a family that's so pitch-perfect that it's hard to believe these people are actually actors? How did Brad Pitt convey about 70 billion emotions in a single glance? How does this film wrap up the meaning of existence in a measly 139 minutes?

This isn't a film in the conventional meaning of the word. If you let it, it is a meditation on the human soul, God, the Universe, and everything inbetween. Let it wash over you.

Yes, even the dinosaur bit.