The Internship Diet

As some of you may or may not know, I have recently taken up an internship at the independent film distributor Soda Pictures (views here are of my own yada yada yada). Whilst being an excellent use of my time (and also a great way to piss off the parents), it has also given me an awesome, albeit unintentional, weight loss programme. Just follow these simple steps:

Step 1

Give up your well-paid, stable job and move to the unforgiving city of Londonian to pursue your unrealistic dreams. Ideally you’ll have an older, more successful sibling to put you up for a couple of months or so. That’s what they’re there for!

Step 2

Avoid any sort of public transport, even if you have to run to work. The tube is a rip-off and smells.

Step 3 – Breakfast

Tesco Wheat Biscuits. Not sure what the difference is between Weetabix and Tescos Own Brand – but honestly, how do you fuck up bonded wheat!? And double your amount of breakfasts by only having one a day!

Step 4 – Lunch

No money = less food. Simples! Tesco £2.50 meal deals should sort you out with just enough calories to reach the end of the day without collapsing from exhaustion.

Step 5 – Dinner

Reheat. Reheat. Reheat. Even until the bastard looks unrecognisable from its original conception 4 days prior.

Add marathon training on top of that and you’re well on your way to super model stardom/an eating disorder!

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Much like the book of the same name, Lynne Ramsay's We Need to Talk About Kevin is a slow burner. Filled with repulsive (but effective) imagery of stale food and red stained houses, WNTTAK takes it's time before tackling the real meat of its story: How does a 15 year old boy commit mass murder?

In fact, Kevin doesn't even utter a single word until 30 minutes into the running time. The film, instead, focuses on the mother, Eva - played perfectly by a disconnected Tilda Swinton. Shifting from present day, where Eva lives a sheltered and nightmarish existence, to chronological flashbacks of Kevin's upbringing. Disorientating at first, the film finally finds a suitable rhythm with which to tell the story - making the inadaptable nature of the book seem all the more impressive when watching the film.

The beautiful thing about WNTTAK is its ability to be its own beast. The depth and slow brooding nature of the book are imaginatively recreated on screen via Ramsay's uncanny eye for the sinister. Innocuous actions, like Kevin making a strawberry jam sandwich, are turned into painfully creepy insights into the mind of a sociopath. This is helped immensely by a mesmerizing performance by Ezra Miller, who turns Kevin into the Hannibal Lecter of a new generation.

As for enjoyment, the 112 minute running time will feel like 5 hours of intensive hard labour. But for sheer psychoanalytical depth and breath-taking cinematography, WNTTAK cannot be beat.

Too old for this shit

Just like Courtney Cox's face, Scream 4 is fooling no one. A once great franchise has been brought back from the dead, only to be fucked up once again.

Scream 4 starts out surprisingly well. A few cheeky misdirections in the first 5 minutes give it the same unpredictable feel of the original. This soon, however, descends into tedious observations about Hollywood's recent trend in rebooting old franchises. And the fact that Scream 4 even takes the time to point out the flaws in rebooting old horror films, makes it even more inexcusable when it makes the same mistakes.

It's like a child shitting on the carpet, then having the child calmly explain to you why shitting on the carpet is wrong.

Yes, all the old cast and crew are back (Campbell, Arquette, Cox, Craven, Williamson), but their once youthful talents appear tired. Desperate, even. Williamson's script, in particular, crams in as many web 2.0 buzz words as physically possible (drink a shot everytime someone says the word 'blog', I dare ya). But worst of all, the films have become the very thing it has been trying to satirise all these years - there is absolutely nothing separating the Scream franchise from it's own fictitious OTT 'Stab' franchise. For example, instead of screaming for help or doing anything remotely 'human', characters will spout witty one-liners just before they meet their inevitable and bloody doom.

It appears that all of Scream's charm and wit died with Randy in the second installment.

If there's going to be a backlash on the whole meta craze, it begins with Scream 4.

The 3 worst slanty angle offenders

What's the most heinous cinematic crimes? Needless B-list celebrity cameos? Plot twists involving time travel? Adam Sandler? Close, but it's actually slanty angled scenes. A desperate and cheap way of creating 'drama', the most primitive of camera techniques is somehow still in existence today, and is even used by some of Hollywood's most prolific directors. Let's name and shame.

1. Carol Reed - The Third Man
I guess we can forgive Carol as he used slanted angles before it became a horrible cliché (and even used it to great effect). But he has a lot to answer for...

2. J. J. Abrams - Star Trek
Abrams, however, is less forgivable. Why did this scene need a sweeping corkscrew shot? It's a Vulcan courtroom, not a rollercoaster, 'J' (if that is your real name).

3. Michael Bay - Everything
I spotted about 5 examples in the Transformers 2 trailer alone. When Judgement Day arrives, Michael will be first to feel the firey wrath of the Cinema Gods.

One good reason to see Dolphin Tale

EVERYONE loves a good splash joke.

Vucking

If you've seen Nicolas Winding Refn on BBC Breakfast describe violence like 'fucking' (see here), you might think that this was a rather gratuitous use of the word from a seemingly unapologetic European director. But once you see Drive, there really is no better way to describe the instantaneous nature of violent outbursts depicted in his latest movie.

Ryan Gosling (some dude from The Notebook) stars in this highly stylised heist movie, about a good intentioned stunt driver who gets mixed up in doomed robbery. In order to protect the ones he cares about - a single mum (played by the ever-so-sweet Carey Mulligan) and her child - he must go after the ones responsible. The mild mannered driver is consequently thrown into a world of brutality and questionable loyalties.

He drives... apparently.

Ironically, Drive does not feature any fucking or sexualised elements, and instead focuses on Gosling and Mulligan's softly spoken words of affection. And whilst its use of violence verges on the pornographic, it never stops being conscious of what it's trying to demonstrate - the monstrous capabilities of the desperate. The (unnamed) Driver is simply a man with his back against the wall, and is therefore at liberty to do anything. So violence that might be considered quite tame in a normal gangster movie (Scarface, Godfather etc. etc.) is earth shatteringly shocking in Drive because of its unassuming protagonist.

Of course, a lot of reviews have been focusing on the use of 80s chic in the movie (the awesome music and Miami Vice-like opening credits), which is cool but gimmicky. Despite the LA setting and the occasional homage to car chase movies of the 80s, there really is no need to give Drive this faux-identity.

But Refn has undoubtedly created something quite unique from an extremely tired genre, which is no mean feat nowadays. Bravo.

Howl - Blu-Ray Review

I've never seen so many hipsters in one movie.

7/10