10 things that are wrong with London Boulevard

London Boulevard is almost comically bad. I say 'almost', because if you were to actually laugh at this film, it would might give it the false pretence of being a 'guilty pleasure', but it's far too offensive for that. Here's why it deserves it's 22% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes:

1. Colin Farrell's accent: Whilst it's never verified, Mitchell (Farrell) is presumably from London, and therefore his accent should probably be cockney like the rest of the cast. Right? One thing's for certain, it's definitely NOT Irish.
2. The Romance doesn't work: I know saying 'the romance doesn't work' in a gangster film is like saying 'the plot doesn't work' in a porno. But when it's given this amount of screentime, it's hard to ignore the lack of chemistry between Knightley and Farrell. It's like watching 2 planks of wood slap violently against each other.
3. Every punchline ends with the c word: I'm not about to get all Daily Mail on yo ass, but there's only a certain amount of times I can hear the word 'c*nt' used as a means to derive humour. Refreshing, perhaps. Lazy, almost definitely.
4. It's completely unoriginal: If you've ever seen a gangster film made in the last 50 years, you've seen London Boulevard before. If I were Quentin Tarantino, I would quit directing and just make a living off suing this film.
5. The plot is a moody teenager: What exactly is this film's problem? It's like it's pissed off at every aspect of society, but can't decide which aspect makes it more damn mad. The Press? Drugs? Racism? Fame? Knife crime? Just don't expect depth on any of these issues.
6. Unnecessary Violence: In this movie there is: a man is killed for being black, a woman is punched in the face for no reason, a homelessman is beaten half to death by youths, a man is glassed because he made a joke, and a man is stabbed to death because he made a moral decision. And believe it or not, some of these scenes are played for laughs.
7. The plot holes are mind blowing: A lot of the time I felt like I was watching a rough cut of the movie, because there are some blindingly obvious gaps in logic. There's one scene in particular which eerily references Mark Chapman, but goes absolutely nowhere.
8. The Cameos: Arguably the best parts of the film are when someone like Stephen Graham or Super Hans from Peep Show appear, but 2 minutes later they are swept off the screen to make way for The Colin Farrell Show. Reminds you of what the film COULD have been.
9. Ray Winstone plays... well, Ray Winstone: Just pull the string in his back, and out comes a highly offensive cockney insult.
   
10. Mitchell just isn't convincing: Watch the clip below and tell me that in reality Winstone wouldn't lean across the table and slap Farrell for being 'a silly twat'.