Sunday, 10 October 2010

Rosemary's Baby: The Remake

So I was watching Rosemary's Baby last night, and it reminded what an original, amazing fucking movie it is. For a horror film it's abnormally short on 'scares' - mainly a pregnant woman hysterically running around New York. But it's 2 hours of almost solid suspense, which leads up to a climax so chilling you'll be thinking about it several days after viewing.

The eyes... The eyes!?

In recent times, Hollywood has decided that contemporary horror films "just aren't working", and have begun remaking/rebooting every single horror film that was ever great: The Thing, Let The Right One In, Scream, I Spit on your Grave, Alien revamps are all out in coming months. So it's only a matter of time before Polanski's masterpiece gets it's inevitable Hollywood makeover. To save those busy studio execs' time, I have kindly formatted the film into a contemporary and marketable feature.

Rosemary's Baby Demon Child

Rosemary (played by Megan Fox) is moving to a new apartment in New York with her seemingly perfect husband, Guy (played by Ryan Reynolds). Rosemary befriends a young beautiful blond woman in the building, who is quickly found hanging outside the window (can get a big scare there).

After a couple of graphic sex scenes, the couple are introduced to their peculiar (but outrageously sexy) neighbours, the Castevet's (played by Eric and Pam from TV's True Blood). Eric appears to be drinking something that looks like blood, but we don't find out (ooo, intrigue).

After Guy hits it off with Eric, Rosemary becomes suspicious of their new found bond. The next night Rosemary meets a mysterious man (aka Satan, played by Justin Timberlake) at a bar, who then rapes courts Rosemary and they have mad passionate consentual sex (possibly covered in blood). But then he gives her a roofie so she forgets all about it (topical).

Then some scenes of Rosemary seeing phantom children singing nursery rhymes in her apartment (always scary). [NOTE: must ask Fox's agent to see if she'd be willing to get a haircut]. After the 9 months Rosemary gives birth in a horribly bloody birth scene - and reveals the baby is half demon (has claws and teeth)! [Fucking hell, this is good]

After the baby tries to strangle her and flee down the fire escape, Rosemary shoots a nearby pylon which falls on the baby, killing it (or does it?). Guy turns back to a normal because he was under a spell or sumfink, and they live happily ever after in some generic Suburbs.

END.... ?

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