Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Charlie Sheen: The Movie

I might not necessarily agree with all the hoo ha about Charlie Sheen's public breakdown (what are we laughing at again?), but damned if I'm gonna miss the bandwagon on this one. 12 years down the line and I'm still paying the price for not reading Harry Potter.

Considering Hollywood no longer has the decency to wait until your dead before making a slanderous movie about you (case in point: W), we'll probably see Charlie Sheen: The Movie in a couple of months. And to save Hollywood some time with hiring and firing those pesky writers, I've decided to knock up a quick premise for their convenience:

Opens with Charlie Sheen as a young boy (played by that kid from The Road). He is imitating his father (Martin Sheen, FYI) in the movie Apocalypse Now - scene finishes with Charlie punching a mirror (precursor to his self-destructive nature later in life. DEEP.)

Next scene we see Charlie and his brother Emilio playing Ice Hockey. Emilio teaches Charlie the importance of 'Winning' (get it?), and they have a fight. Charlie wins. Obviously.

Then we do some shit about him being a good actor in Platoon and Wall Street, and how happy he was, blah blah blah. Then some minor breakdowns when he marries actress and all-round hottie Denise Richards. [stick in gratuitous sex scene] Then a segment on 2 and a Half Men and how his life seemed to be back on track.

Finally we get to the good shit: 2 hours of non-stop drug taking and hardcore pornography. Charlie (now played by a coked up Christian Bale) eventually dies of 'having too much fun' and slumps over the prostitute lying underneath him.

Final scene is at his funeral with all his friends and family manically weeping. After everyone has left, the camera pans towards the buried grave... *BAM* Charlie's undead hand bursts out of the ground.


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